| Women's Firsts v Tawa (top-o-the-table-clash) |
|
|
|
| Written by Matt Dillon | |
| Thursday, 05 July 2007 | |
|
Aaaaa…Tawa. The steady sound of motor mowers and small children. The snobby reluctance to be associated in any way shape or form with their close neighbours Porirua. The constant purr of dehumidifiers working tirelessly in an effort to stop mould from coating every household surface. Isn’t it great just not to live there? What would be even greater would be if we were to beat them on Sunday and rob them of possibly the only thing they have to proud of – top spot in the division that contains our team. This was billed as a top of the table clash, however when we arrived at sunny Redwood it was anything but…in fact we almost perfectly matched with both teams firmly believing that red is the new black. As the away team (again, thank god, Buddha, Allah and so on) it was our responsibility to have come prepared with an alternate strip. Unfortunately we hadn’t (even though the exact same thing seems to happen with remarkable regularity about twice a year…) and as a result the ref was stressing out. In an effort to calm him, and also provide Mo with some of the thanks he deserves for being our number 1 supporter, the suggestion was made to play topless. For some reason this seemed to make the Tawa boy/man referee even more uncomfortable and he hurriedly supplied us with a whole set of fancy pants Tawa bibs. It was time for action. Stand in tosser Karen O’Leary had skilfully manipulated the already nervous ref into giving away which hand held the coin and had elected masterfully to play the first half into a strong wind and up a slight hill. John was sceptical, but Karen reassured him it would pay dividends. The first half saw two determined teams battling for supremacy but rather quickly one team gained ascendancy. BNU were playing the high quality football they are becoming renowned for. Players in the mid were passing with confidence and accuracy, the defence was impenetrable and uncompromising at the back, the forwards were starting to make the opposition look like a pack of girls (admittedly most of them were under 16, but that’s not my point…). We were asserting pressure into the wind and uphill and Tawa were starting to look a little rattled. BNU created opportunities and had a number of cracks on goal and went into half time the better team of a 0-0 scoreline. Half time and the talk was positive. Tawa had no answers to our superior skills and their youthful exuberance was getting them nowhere except on Bronwyn’s nerves… We had the wind, the slope, the upper hand, and most importantly Bex had gone beyond the call of duty and collected the alternate strip so we could rid ourselves of the bibs that had been holding us back all first half. We weren’t babies…they were and they could keep their puke yellow bibs to themselves (..well now that we were finished with them…). Anyhow, I digress, we went back onto the pitch looking and feeling like the All Whites (only more successful) and as the whistle blew we began what can only be described as a marvellous display of football. I want to assure readers that I am not just blowing our own trumpet in an effort to make us sound better than the men’s first team, we are actually playing as a cohesive unit and producing high calibre results. We have minimised giving the ball away cheaply (it now costs at leasts $2.70), and are anticipating the direction the game is going to take (towards Tawa’s goal…) rather than acting on it when it happens. Now you might think that someone nicknamed after a cushion is a little on the soft side, but our cushy the cushion cush is most certainly an exception to that rule. And it was on one of her barracking runs that we scored our first goal. Mel, who was playing on the left hadn’t put a foot wrong all game and just to be a total show off played an impeccably timed ball through the defence for ‘Cush’ to run on to. I dare say the TAB would have the odds firmly backing our soft superstar in any one on one challenge, and this one against the keeper would have out paid a miniscule return for your investment. A good goal, well set up and finished with power and composure…nice one squirrel. We could sense that Tawa were worried before and shitting themselves now and our friendly boot to the throat was going nowhere but down. Quickly from the restart we gained possession and just like your favourite cushion that is always in the right place at the right time, ‘Cush’ smacked another goal deftly passed the keeper. 2-0 up, and we were starting to feel fairly confident. The game continued…more solid play lead to another attack and a shot on goal that looked for all money to have been collected by the keeper, however Nic ‘I’ll-have-that-if-you-don’t-want-it’ Allard had other ideas, quietly and politely took the ball out or her flimsy grasp, turned like she was in dancing with the stars and stroked the ball into the back of the net for goal number 3. All over red rover came into my head about this point, and it really was all over for Tawa. Their heads were dragging on the dirt and their adolescent bitchiness was going from bad to ear piercing. ‘Cush’ ignored them and managed to pull out a trifecta, this goal a ‘no-chancer’ for the keeper who hadn’t really gotten over Nic’s cheeky manoeuvre. Final score then, well if you’ve done your maths… 4-0 to the mighty BNU and with that we’ll have some sausage rolls, a nice ham sandwich and the top of the table thanks! Feel free to come along next week to Wakefield where we may again consider playing topless, and will also be providing all manner of tasty morsels…perhaps even some penguino’s… Another cracking match report bought to you by Karen ‘we’re-gonna-win-the-league’ O’Leary. |
